Mission
by Pheonix500
Summary: This started because I felt that characters reacted way too calmly to meeting the Turtles for the first time. I think Eli does an appropriate job of freaking out in this story.
1. Chapter 1

**Mission**

 _2015_

Dedicated to Jack who started this with one careless, teasing comment.

 **Disclaimer: I have no claims on anything TMNT, created by Eastman and Laird and currently owned by Viacom (to the best of my knowledge). This is just for fun and I have no intention to profit from this. Which is why I am happily turning it loose onto the internet. If anyone wants to use this story, my take on any of these proprietary characters or my OCs for their own original work, alternate version of events, prequel, sequel, one shots or art, have at it and have fun. I really would like to see what comes of it.**

I couldn't stop fidgeting. I knew it was driving Kade nuts and an angry Kade was a scary Kade, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know how he did it. I was really trying, but sitting, completely still and silent for hours on a rooftop was impossible. For anyone but him. Seriously, there were sparrows occasionally landing on him like he was a statue. I might not be able to stop myself from shifting position or scratching itches that kept popping up, but at least I wouldn't need to wash bird crap out of my clothes later.

Another subtle wave of annoyance wafted off of him and I tried again to keep still. This mission sucked. After all the training I'd been doing, and admittedly failing horribly at, I'd hoped that the actual missions were going to be exciting, James Bond style. This was not what I'd signed on for. Not that I'd technically ever signed on, but…

The muffled pop of Kade's shots through his rifle's silencer startled me out of my reverie. Was something actually happening? It must be or he wouldn't be shooting. I peeked over the edge of the building and saw the remains of several guys in black pajamas surrounded by twitching, broken robots…also in black pajamas. Oh. They were all robots.

Kade had stopped taking them out with his disturbingly accurate head shots and I was about to ask about that, when he grabbed my collar and yanked us below the building ledge. Something or things whizzed through the air where our heads had just been. That would have sucked.

"Did you see the one with the canister?" Uh oh, Kade was talking to me.

"Uh, no." He sighed in frustration. This must be like a bad babysitting job for him.

"One of them has a canister with a blue-green, glowing substance in it. That's our target. I will get the one carrying it to drop it and take out the rest. You just get that canister and head to the fall back location."

"Roger that." I gave him a mock salute. He just stared at me for a moment before sighing.

"Don't screw this up, Eli." Before I could lie about how great I was gonna do, he was already over the ledge, rappelling from a line he'd somehow grappling-hooked to the ledge when I wasn't looking. I guess he'd come back for his rifle later.

I could hear him fighting below already, probably with his combat knife. I had fantasies where I could kick butt with a weapon like that, just as awesome as him, but deep down, I knew that was never going to happen. I wasn't very athletic, possessed no great reflexes or hand-eye coordination and honestly I didn't like working out or getting hurt.

Finally, I found my rappelling-handle-thing. I knew that it had a real name, but I hadn't really been paying attention when Kade went over our equipment. If I had, I probably would have found it sooner. Fumbling for a bit, I hooked my belt safety latch to the rappel line and clipped the handle on. Holding it tightly, I awkwardly climbed over the ledge. How did he make this look so easy?

Willing my hammering heart to be calm, I squeezed the handle and almost screamed as I suddenly dropped. I released the pressure on the handle and came to a jerking halt, the belt latch catching me as my hands ripped free of the grip. Oww.

Flailing around as I hung off my belt connector, I finally managed to grab the handle again. Ok. Squeeze it slowly. Good tip. By gently and carefully depressing the switch, I found that I didn't fall quite so fast and was less likely to splat onto the pavement below. Unfortunately, it also took forever to get down. Honestly, this was not exactly how I had pictured my first trip to New York City.

Feet on solid ground again, I clumsily unhooked myself and turned around. All the pajama robots were down, except for the one with the canister. It and Kade were moving too fast for me to really follow, but when he managed to land a kick to its torso, I saw the canister fly out of its hand.

Excited that I was actually going to get to do something, I ran to catch it, like I was a quarterback in an important football game. I didn't get far. The robot spontaneously sprouted an extra pair of arms, one of which shot out to grab the airborne canister.

Alas, that was the exact moment Kade buried his combat knife up to the hilt in the thing's face. His strike must have caused some kind of malfunction, because instead of grabbing the canister, it attacked it, piercing it with its fingertips. Glowing goo went flying everywhere, but mostly towards me. Well crap.

Unable to move out of the way quickly enough, I cringed as it splattered all over me. Gross. It was soaking through my shirt and oozing between my hairs into my scalp. I had managed to close my eyes and mouth at least. Thank goodness for small favors.

I could hear agonized screaming, not far away from me. Kade? What could make Kade scream like that? I was so dead. Bracing myself for whatever was obviously mauling my partner, I reached up and wiped the goop out of my eyes, blinking rapidly as I futilely attempted to clean my hands on my slimy pants.

I looked around frantically, but didn't immediately see Kade among the robot parts. The screaming had died down. Maybe he got away. And just ditched me here. I couldn't exactly blame him. I would probably have ditched me too if I could have. Wait. There was a lump by the robot with the combat knife in its face.

I approached it cautiously. It became bigger as it started to rise. Was this the thing that took out Kade? Suddenly it turned to face me and I couldn't breathe. Oh. My. God. I was standing with my face mere inches from the beak of a six foot tall giant sparrow. It screeched angrily at me and the world began spinning as I fell backwards colliding with the pavement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

I could hear voices. Faint at first, but getting louder. What happened? Oh yeah. Kade was eaten by a giant sparrow-monster. Was I dead too? I really didn't want to open my eyes. Instead, I focused on the voices.

"This thing isn't easy to hold on to you know! Hurry up with the tranquilizer!"

"I am, just hold it still. Ok…got it."

"Well, that was a pain. I'd rather deal with Pigeon Pete."

"Speaking of which, I totally owe him some more pizza crusts." Three groans followed.

"So what do we do with him?"

"By Darwin's beard, he's covered in mutagen."

"So why isn't he changing?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's another of the Kraang's genetic projects. We can't leave him here. Someone might get contaminated."

"So what should we do?"

"I have some decontamination equipment in my lab that we could use to clean him up."

"We can't take home!"

"We can't leave him here."

"And what if he reveals our location?"

"He's unconscious. He won't know where we're going and we can keep him sedated, and then tranquilize him before bringing him back."

Oh good. I was being kidnapped. I should've probably cared more about that. As I drifted back into the darkness, I could still hear their fading voices.

"I'm not wearing that!"

"You can't touch him without gloves and an apron. He's covered in mutagen…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

I'd been blissfully enjoying my detached sense of unreality as I floated through the smelly darkness, when the cold water hit me like a punch to the gut. I was abruptly aware of lying on a metal grate with icy water raining down on me from a shower head. Through the grate, I could see the glowing goo that was running off of me flow down some sort of metal slide into a big glass container off to the side. Hmmm. It kind of looked like an aquarium.

I lay there shivering for what seemed like an eternity before the water finally shut off. I could hear the clink of glassware somewhere off to the other side of me and someone mumbling.

"The reagent should be right here. I know I left it here. Who's been in my stuff this time?"

With an effort of will, I pushed myself up and looked in the direction of the voice. He must have heard me because he turned to face me as I did. Time stopped for a moment as I processed what I was looking at.

He wore a plastic apron and shoulder-length, black, plastic gloves, both of which appeared to have been constructed from garbage bags. On his head I could make out a purple mask under that weird microscope headgear. You know, the kind worn by people who fix antique clocks or work in science labs. Those things weren't what I was having trouble with. He was a giant talking turtle! Oh God. I'd been abducted by a mad-scientist turtle-person.

The moment of stunned silence ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs. I sounded like a doomed heroine in a cheesy horror movie, but I couldn't stop. My screaming seemed to cause him to start screaming too. A small part of my brain was telling me to shut up because I sounded like an idiot, but most of it was 'shrieking mad-scientist turtle' on repeat. Suddenly dizzy, my vision swam and everything went dark again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

With a moan, I blinked my eyes open, to find myself on a table in a poorly lit lab. Under a sheet. Naked? What happened?

As the memories hit, I began to shake? It couldn't have been real, could it? Hallucinations? Well not from the goo, but I was perfectly capable of having some kind of nervous breakdown. Strange how that could be comforting thought.

"Awake again?"

I searched frantically for the source of the new, feminine voice. A teenage girl with blue eyes and carrot-colored hair stood by one of the lab tables. She wore a yellow T-shirt and jean shorts over black leggings. Not a conventional beauty, but cute all the same.

What is wrong with me?! I'd been kidnapped to some covert science lab. I should be planning my escape. Not evaluating the hotness of the girls here. I mean I was naked on a table in a lab… I looked down cautiously at the sheet covering me and my face grew hot. Did she…?

"I didn't do it." She might have been able to read my mind, but I was pretty sure I'd asked that one loud and clear, just non-verbally.

A new voice joined us. "So what now, Red?"

I looked towards it with some trepidation. Nearby stood a teenage boy. A bandana covered his short, scruffy, dark hair and his mouth was short several teeth. He wore ripped jeans and a T-shirt with the logo of what I assumed was some metal band I'd never heard of.

The girl shrugged. "We just need to all stay calm."

I cleared my throat. "So, umm, where are my clothes?"

They looked away nervously.

Eventually the girl answered. "They kind of had to be…destroyed."

I must not have heard her right. "What?"

"You had a dangerous chemical all over them. Sorry, they couldn't be saved."

Oh right. The glowing stuff. "So, uh, is there anything I can wear besides a sheet?"

She looked over at the boy. "Don't you have a change of clothes here?"

He grimaced. "He is not going commando in my jeans."

She shrugged. "Borrow underwear from Mikey."

"What?" The boy sounded incredulous.

"He's got a collection." She smothered a laugh as she clarified.

"What? Why do you know that? Hang on, I don't want to know. Just wait here." He turned to glare at me for a moment. "Better not try anything."

She sighed in exasperation at his words. "I can take care of myself."

He went to what I had assumed was a big metal wall, grabbed a handle and slid it open enough for him to slip through.

The girl smiled at me reassuringly. "So, I'm April and that was Casey." She waited expectantly while a gaped at her. Seeing I needed a little help, she tried again. "And you are?"

"Eli." I answered automatically and without thinking. Dang it! I was the worst secret-agent ever.

"Well, Eli. Can you tell me what you were doing when you got exposed to the chemical?"

I shook my head and she sighed.

"Where am I?"

She thought be before answering me. "My secret hideout. Emphasis on secret."

Ok. I guess I deserved that since I couldn't tell her what I was up to. Still, since I was stuck here, it was less than reassuring.

Casey returned with clothes in his arms and some enormous and questionable looking underwear dangling off of what looked like a handheld pitchfork. Offensive as the offering appeared, it was that or the sheet and I wasn't in the mood for a toga party.

April took some rubber bands out a jar on the desk and handed them to me, so I could adjust the underwear to not fall off my hips. They turned to give me a little privacy while I dressed, but were clearly unwilling to leave me alone.

A loud angry voice boomed from beyond the door. "Where's my freakin' sai? Mikey!"

"I didn't do it!"

A couple more voices made shushing sounds.

Casey looked down at his metal pitchfork. "Uh, gotta go."

Before I could ask, he was out of the room.

April was trying hard not to laugh. "Oh, he's in so much trouble."

Seeing me watching her, she quickly tried to compose herself. Apparently, there were more people here than just her and Casey. Well, obviously, since they'd mentioned borrowing the underwear from Mikey. Exactly how many people were here anyway?

"So, who was that?"

She shrugged. "Just some of the other guys."

Not going to tell me. Fine. I was just alone here, helpless and apparently surrounded by mysterious strangers. Everything wass great. I wish Kade were with me.

Kade! Oh no! What happened to him? Was he really dead? How long had it been? I should probably call this in.

"Umm, I had a cell phone…"

"It's being decontaminated in the…uh…decontaminator."

"Uh huh. So when do you think I can have it back?"

"Probably when you leave." Ok. At some point in the future I would be able to leave. That was comforting. Vague, but comforting.

"Ok then. When do you think that will be?"

"I don't know. It's not really up to me."

"But isn't this your secret lab in your secret hideout?"

She looked around nervously. "Uh, yeah. Of course it is. I've got my microscope and my test tubes and…" She looked at another large piece of miscellaneous scientific equipment, obviously struggling to generate a name for it.

Someone groaned from the other side of the door and whispered "mass spectrometer."

"And yeah, my mass spectrometer. But we need to make sure…" She thought for a moment.

"Side effects." The same whispered voice jumped in again. It sounded kind of familiar.

"Right. That you aren't going to have any side effects from your exposure. I'm going to play it by ear for how long that will be, so sit tight."

I knew for a fact that there would be no side effects. What was going to happen to me when they discovered that and started doing experiments to figure out why? There was no way I believed this was her lab. So someone was out there, waiting to turn me into a guinea pig. Not gonna happen.

She was still looking around as though some of the equipment might produce a better explanation for my involuntary captivity. This was my moment. Without giving any advance warning, I dashed for the door, barely noting her yelp of surprise. Yes! I made it!

Then I collided with something big and solid on the other side, landing hard on my butt. Wincing, I looked up and gasped. I wanted to scream but there was nothing in my throat to come out.

A giant, green-eyed turtle in a red mask glared down at me. I kind of understood that he wasn't actually taller than I was, but he was broad, built and very tough-looking. I could see a lightning shaped crack in his, uh front shell? Plastron! That's what it was called. Why did I even know that? High school biology? Of all the useless crap! Why couldn't my mind give me something practical, like how to get away from this thing?

"Dude…is he still breathing?"

My eyes sought the new voice. It came from a smaller, blue-eyed man-turtle with an orange bandana and…were those freckles? My vision began to get hazy again.

The big one in front of me snorted. "Is he gonna faint again? Really?"

Somehow his words hit my pride and I fought to get a hold of myself. Not again. Not again. In a last ditch effort not to pass out for the third time in…however long it had been, I slapped myself across the face. It worked. The pain in my cheek gave me something to focus on besides my situation and I clung to it like a drowning man who'd just been thrown a life preserver.

"See I told you that worked."

I turned to see the source of the third new voice, noting it came from a medium-sized turtle in blue mask.

The red one huffed. "No it doesn't. There's obviously something wrong with him. You can't count him as normal."

How many of them were there?

Orange spoke again. "So the underwear worked out then?"

I felt my body nod of its own volition.

He looked smug. "And you guys thought my collection was weird."

"It is!" Three voices responded. Three? Who was…

Before I could turn to look, a piercing screech emanated from a makeshift cage behind orange and I saw the giant sparrow-monster that ate Kade.

With a shriek that was shrill even to my own ears I leapt up and back, momentarily weightless, before someone caught me. We tottered, off balance for a moment, before I could feel him stabilize.

Then orange stepped forward and poked him with what looked like a pair of leather-covered, wooden cylinders, connected by a chain. Equilibrium lost, we went down. Hard.

Someone groaned underneath me as I gasped to recover from having the wind knocked out of me. When I looked down and saw who had caught me, I panicked.

"Ah! Mad scientist turtle!" I scrambled back off of him while the others burst out laughing.

Was he blushing? Could turtles blush?

"I'm not a mad scientist!"

Orange guffawed so hard that he actually fell over. "You totally are bro."

Red wiped away tears as he fought to suck in much needed breaths between chortles. "Oh man, he totally got you."

Blue was trying to contain himself and failing. "Mad…scientist…turtle" he said between snorts of suppressed laughter.

I actually felt kind of bad for purple now.

April came out of the lab and started to help him back to his feet. "Are you ok, Donnie?"

At her touch, he blushed again and gave her a big gap toothed smile before remembering his situation and looking even more humiliated than before. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a bit infatuated with her. But that was crazy, right? He was a turtle. Shouldn't he be into…other turtles? Were there other turtles?

"Enough!"

My musings and the laughter were abruptly cut short by a voice from the other side of the room carrying an undeniable tone of authority. Boss man, maybe? He sounded foreign, like Mr. Miyagi.

Boss man approached and the moment I was able to see him, I shrieked again, hitting octaves I would not have previously thought possible, while scrabbling back towards the lab door. He was a giant, bipedal rat with a walking stick, wearing a robe. Not gonna faint. Not gonna faint.

Orange patted me affectionately on the shoulder. "Don't freak out man."

"Freak out? Who's freaking out? I'm not freaking out. Are you freaking out? No one's freaking out." I could hear myself babbling in a panicked, screechy tone of voice, but was powerless to stop it.

He was looking concerned. "Do you need to slap yourself again?"

I clamped my mouth shut and shook my head. So much for grace under pressure. I was the worst secret-agent ever. Why did they even send me on missions?

I knew why. This was Kade's mission and I was just in the tool kit. Remembering that I was more equipment than agent was not helping me keep my cool.

The rat looked at purple, wait Donnie. April had called him Donnie. "I thought you were going to keep them sedated while they were here?"

Donnie sighed. "I was, but someone…" He glared at orange. "…has been messing in my lab and now I can't find anything."

The rat turned its gaze to orange.

"Don't look at me! It was all Ice Cream Kitty's idea! She knows where Donnie's stuff is."

Ice Cream Kitty? I chose not to think too much about that.

Donnie groaned as his face falls into his hands. The rat banged his cane on the floor and all four and April jumped to attention.

"Michelangelo."

Orange cringed. "Hai Sensei."

Was that another language?

"We have already discussed the rules regarding you playing in Donatello's lab." Donatello? Oh. Donnie must be a nickname. He was almost normal for a minute there. "Your usual video game time will be spent conditioning with Raphael for the next week. You will do exactly as he says."

Orange, or I suppose Michelangelo, sank to the ground moaning. "No, Sensei please."

Red cracked his neck. "This is gonna be fun." I guess he was Raphael.

The rat eyed Michelangelo. "If you prefer, you could spend it in meditation with Leonardo." Blue sighed in displeasure. He must be Leonardo. "Leonardo, you may use my cane to keep your brother focused during meditation."

"You know, I think I'll stick with Raph."

The rat smiled. "As you wish."

Wow, he seemed almost parental in the way he was handling this and the turtles seemed kind of like…kids. I mean not little kids, but they reminded me a bit of the underclassmen at my old high school before…well before everything went down the tubes.

The rat returned his attention to me, but was speaking to the group. "It seems we will have a guest for a time. Perhaps he would he less…upset if we introduced ourselves."

April approached. "He already knows me and Casey."

She gestured towards the couch where Casey had been lounging this whole time, amusing himself by watching my misfortune. I guess I shouldn't be too bitter. If it weren't for him, I would be enduring this with a sheet wrapped around my waist.

Freckles, or I suppose Michelangelo, seemed to have recovered from the announcement of his punishment and perked up. "I'm Mikey."

Oh yeah. The collector.

"I'm Donnie. Not mad-scientist turtle." I winced and nodded as Donatello corrected me while introducing himself.

The sturdy tough one crossed his arms threateningly in front of his chest. "I'm Raph."

It looked like they all preferred nicknames. Honestly, I would too. That meant the blue one probably went by…

"I'm Leo and this is Master Splinter."

The rat nodded to me. Master? Did he own them? Wait, he seemed like he was straight out of a kung-fu movie. Didn't super-awesome karate people get called master? Maybe that was it?

It seemed like they were waiting for something. Oh right. My name. "Uh, I'm Eli. Good to meet you, I hope."

Mikey hugged me and I had to fight not to faint again. "Of course it is. We are gonna be best friends forever. BFF!"

Everyone else groaned.

Leo stepped in. "I think you should give him some space Mikey. He's still getting used to us."

"Oh right." He let me go and I sank to the floor again. This was embarrassing. Although, you'd think I'd be used to that by now.

I looked back at the giant sparrow. "So, about the monster bird…?"

Mikey answered before anyone could respond. "I'm calling it 'The Sparrinator'."

I was not calling it that. "Right…so what's up with that?"

They all looked at each other.

Leo seemed to be the spokesperson among them. "Actually, we were kind hoping you'd tell us. We found it attacking you."

I looked away. "I don't know where it came from, but I think it ate Kade."

"Kade?"

"He's my…friend, I guess."

"And why were you and your friend fighting the Foot?"

I looked at Leo blankly.

"The Foot? Was there another monster I didn't see?"

"The robo-ninjas dude. They're the Foot clan." Mikey jumped in to help me out.

"Oh. I didn't know they had a name. I called them black-pajama robots."

Apparently everyone found that hilarious. Even the rat, I mean Master Splinter, smiled.

Leo was the first to get a hold of himself. "That's good. Have to remember that. Anyway, why were you fighting them?"

I almost answered on reflex, but caught myself this time. I might be the worst secret-agent ever, but I was still a secret-agent. I couldn't just tell them about my mission. I hardly knew them.

Master Splinter seemed to sense my feelings. "Hmm, trust can only be earned with trust. Leonardo, perhaps you should tell Eli about our family."

"Hai Sensei."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

It was about an hour later and I was sitting on the couch, absorbing what I'd been told. Summarized, Splinter was the father and martial arts teacher. The turtles were his sons and ninja students. They patrolled the city at night, protecting people, because…it was the right thing to do.

I may have made things a little awkward during the mutagen explanation when I expressed my shock that they didn't used to be people like their dad. April reamed me out for that one. Of course they were people. I'd meant to say human, but it came out wrong. I was just used to the two being interchangeable.

"So, I guess you guys are kind of like comic book superheroes then?"

They all blushed and Mikey hugged me again. I think I was getting used to it, or at least I wasn't freaking out so much anymore.

"You're right! We totally are!"

"Mikey!" Everyone else shouted out in unison and he released me.

I had the impression his name was probably the most commonly heard expletive here.

Leo seemed ready to pick up where'd left off before the family history. "So, you were fighting the bad guys we usually fight…"

"And totally mopped the floor with them. Wouldn'ta thought it after meeting you." Raph interjected to Leo's annoyance.

"That wasn't me. It was Kade." I explained wistfully. It would have been nice to let them think I was that awesome for a moment, but we were working on trust here.

"I'm more interested in why the mutagen didn't change you into anything." Donnie was looking at me curiously.

"Mutagen?"

"You know, the glowing stuff you were covered in when we found you." Raph elaborated.

"Well glowing stuff isn't really an accurate descriptor…"

"Not now Donnie!"

I gasped as the words sunk in. "That stuff was mutagen, like the mutagen that made you all?"

They nodded and my mind flicked through the events of earlier. The canister shattering. The spray of mutagen, though most landed on me. The sparrows perching on Kade while he waited. I turned to look at the caged monster-bird.

"Oh. My. God. Kade?"

The silent, shocked awkwardness that followed my pronouncement was eventually broken by Leo clearing his throat. "Eli, maybe you'd better tell us what happened."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

I'd started at with us waiting on the rooftop and finished with me fainting after seeing bird-Kade. I figured they could pick it up from there.

Leo wasn't the type to give up though. "You still haven't told us why you were there."

"Or why you weren't mutated." Donnie chimed in.

I sighed. Moment of truth. I probably shouldn't tell them, but Kade was a giant monster-bird. I was alone and I needed help. Whatever. This was Kade's mission. His responsibility. I was totally blaming him for this if it came back to bite me.

"I kind of work for an intelligence agency."

Donnie's jaw dropped. "You're CIA?"

I threw my hands up like a shield. "No! No, definitely not. More like a freelance agency."

"Oh, so kinda like a rent-a-spy?" Wow. Raph really knew how to make my job sound unimpressive.

"Cool. You're a secret-agent." At least Mikey was on my side.

"Anyway, our lead scientist has been getting reports about some mystery chemical that's been doing odd stuff in New York City and thinks it might be related to that weird lock down thing they had going on a few months back. So Kade and I were sent in to retrieve a sample."

I didn't want to think about Dea right now and I certainly wasn't ready to give away ORION's name, so I kept it vague. Honest, but vague. Besides, saying I worked for OmniResource Intelligence Operations and Networking would have probably only invited more jokes at my expense.

Leo took over again. "And how did you know about the Foot or where to stake out?"

"I actually have no idea. Kade was in charge. I was just following him. I assume it was in some kind of report he was given."

Raph snorted. "So you're like your team's Mikey then?"

"Dude, I'm right here."

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Dude, I'm right here."

"Not to be rude…" Donnie was clearly trying to be nice, but anytime anyone ever says that, it means they're about to say something insulting. "…but how exactly are you part of any intelligence agency?"

Yup, rude. Should I say? Well, if I didn't, I'd have no credibility. There was no way I'd be doing this kind of work otherwise. I was completely unqualified.

"Sorry, it sounded better in my head, but you seem kind of young and…untrained."

Well at least he could own up to it and he was right.

"Because, Kade's the agent. I'm…more like equipment."

"What?" Donnie peered curiously at me as he spoke.

"Remember when you asked why I wasn't mutated?"

Donnie nodded, almost a little too eagerly, his brown eyes alight with curiosity. "Yes, I have a few theories about that."

I sighed. Well, here goes nothing. I really hoped I wouldn't end up as an experiment.

"Well, I'm a little unique. I'm kind of immune to…well everything."

"Everything?" He looked incredulous.

"It kind of sucks, since I can't use cold or pain meds or even get drunk."

"Hmm, so even if I'd found the sedatives…"

"They wouldn't have had any effect. Anyway, since this was a potentially hazardous chemical. Kade brought me along to handle it. In case something went wrong, it wouldn't do anything to me. Guess I screwed that up royal."

Donnie tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I know how to make retro-mutagen. I could turn Kade back into a human with it."

I just stared at him for a moment. "Uh, I thought you said that mutagen was made by a race of advanced alien conquerors from another dimension?"

"Yup."

"And you just figured out how to reverse it?"

"Well, I didn't just figure it out. It took months of intensive research and experimentation."

I was still just gaping at him.

Mikey clapped me on the shoulder. "Donnie's kind of a super-genius know-it-all."

Now Donnie's cheeks were red and he looked mad. "I am not a know-it-all. There are many things that I do not yet know."

Raph laughed. "That so? Then stop correcting everyone all the time."

"I don't…not all the time…accuracy is important."

Ok, this was derailing fast.

"Anyway, so you can fix Kade, cuz I really don't want to take him back like this." Kade punctuated my point by chirping cheerfully at that moment. I glanced over and saw Mikey holding out a bucket of bird seed to him.

When he noticed we were all staring, he smiled. "Hey Donnie, if you can't fix him, can we keep him? He's actually kind of friendly when you get to know him." At that Kade screeched spraying bird seed all over Mikey's face. "See. He sings too."

We all looked away, pretending that moment hadn't happened until I thought about what Mikey had said. "Wait, you might not be able to fix him?"

"Well, I know how to make it, but we don't exactly have the components necessary to synthesize it."

I stared at him blankly. "Uh, that got kind of sciencey at the end."

He looked exasperated. I think he got this response, a lot. "I need a lot of mutagen to make a little retro-mutagen and since the Kraang have been defeated, it hasn't been so easy to come by lately."

"Oh. Well, maybe I could help."

Raph looked at me skeptically, but it was Leo who finally spoke after listening for so long. "How?"

"Well, obviously I can touch mutagen without any personal risk."

Raph huffed. "We've been doing this a while now. Even Mikey knows how to handle it safely."

"Dude, I'm right here."

I thought for a moment and another idea struck me. If we turned Kade back to human, he was going to kill me. "Well, there are the files Kade was using to track the stuff down in the first place. They're at our safe house. I could go get it."

Leo shifted uncomfortably. "Not that we don't trust you, but leaving and coming back would require you to know where our home is."

"And if someone decides to beat the information out of you, you'll crack like an egg." Leo glared at Raph who'd sort of ruined the whole laying it on me gently thing he'd been trying.

Suddenly, I was angry. I might not be that great at this, but I could at least keep my mouth shut. "You think so? Try beating the safe house location out of me and see how much I talk!" Oh no. Did I really just say that?

He was smiling and cracking his knuckles. That couldn't good. "Well, if you insist."

Leo got up and stepped between us. "How about a compromise?"

Raph looked disappointed. I hoped I didn't look as relieved as I felt.

Leo continued. "We'll just blindfold him and have Casey and April lead him to a starting location of his choice, and then they'll wait for him to come back with the files. Deal?"

Raph didn't look satisfied. "What's to keep him from running off?"

"Do you really care if he does? As long as he doesn't know where we are. Mikey will just have a new pet then."

"Awesome-sauce!"

"But he'll have to deal with explaining why he didn't return with his leader. We're kind of helping him out with this. If he doesn't want our help, that's his call."

Leo had a point. They were doing me a huge favor, with no expectation of recompense. I needed their help.

"I'm sorry for getting mad. I do appreciate your assistance and if I can return the favor in any way, just ask. Your idea sounds great Leo."

Leo smiled proudly while Raph scowled. He turned back to me. "Well now that that's settled, where would you like them to…"

Suddenly Donnie appeared at my side, hands full of syringes. "Since you offered to return the favor, could I take a few samples to study before you go?"

Ahh, I knew it. I was totally a guinea pig again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

An hour later, with my arms covered in Band-Aids and my hair now unevenly chopped, the bag was finally removed from my head and I breathed fresh air for the first time in a while. The hands were small and delicate, so I guessed it was April who was unwinding the cloth wrapped around my eyes while I took out the ear and nose plugs. They were serious about the sensory deprivation thing.

I rubbed my Band-Aids, knowing that the excess of samples taken and the inevitable requests for more upon my return were all my own fault. If only I could keep my mouth shut for once.

But no. I had to mention to him not to get his hopes up because the agency science division with their recruited team of elite scientists using no-expense-spared, cutting-edge equipment couldn't figure me out, he probably wouldn't either. I could actually see the 'challenge-accepted' light go off above his head. Oh well. It wasn't as if I hadn't been through all this before.

We were in an alley off the intersection that I'd requested. They'd wait for me here. This was a close as I dared leading them, but maybe that was a mistake. It had seemed like a much shorter walk in my head. I was trying to move fast and was already out of breath. Stupid healthy New Yorkers with their ability to walk forever without breaking a sweat. Why didn't I work out more?

Finally. I'd arrived. My momentary relief evaporated with a sudden realization. No key. Right. It was in my clothes. Which were destroyed for public safety. Well crap. Now what?

Ok. I was an intelligence agency operative. Sort of. I could figure this out on my own. I'd better be able to. I couldn't even call anyone for help. My phone was still back…wherever, being decontaminated. All I knew about the journey was that at some point I had to climb a metal ladder.

Let's see. The door looked pretty solid. Not breaking through there. The walls were brick façade over cinder blocks. No busting through. Bars over the first floor and basement windows. Well it was New York. I guess that must be typical, but not really helpful.

Hmm. The second story windows didn't have bars. How did I get up there? And avoid being seen in all this broad daylight full of people? Well there was a fire escape along the front of the building, but that didn't really solve my broad daylight problem. It also didn't help that my bandaged arms and hair, which looked like I'd chopped it up on a bad trip, kind of made me look like a junkie. This was not going to end well for me. Maybe if I was really quick.

There was another problem. The ladder to the bottom of the fire escape wasn't really designed to be accessed from the street level. Probably to stop people from doing what I was about to attempt. Well, I could try stacking stuff under it to reach it. Yeah, that would be quick and stealthy. Also, what was I supposed to stack? There was nothing here.

What did I have on me? I checked the pockets of my, or I should say Casey's pants, and hit pay dirt. Twenty dollars. It was an emergency. I hope he didn't mind donating it to the cause. If he did, Kade can always reimburse him when he wasn't a monster-bird.

I peeked into the alley beside the building that I was trying to break into and lucked out again. There was a drunken bum wrapped up in newspaper. I approached and poked him with my toes until he looked up at me blearily.

"Hi there. I could use your help."

He started to lie back down.

"Give me a boost to the fire escape ladder and I'll give you twenty dollars."

His eyes snapped open with interest and he nodded. Who said I couldn't be resourceful? It was a good idea. Or so I thought.

Fifteen clumsy, smelly minutes later, I had a hold of the bottom rung of the fire escape ladder. With another push from my boozy friend, I finally managed to pull myself fully onto the ladder. I threw the twenty down to him and he clutched it gratefully to his chest, scurrying down the street.

Well, I was up. Knowing it was a bad idea, I took a momentary break after collapsing on the first level of the fire escape and looked around. There were people walking past, but no one was paying any mind to me. Nobody cared. Wow. Well that worked for me.

As quietly and inconspicuously as possible, which was not very, I broke the window. It was hard to be inconspicuous when you need to take off your shirt and wrap it around your hand to avoid being cut. The important thing was that I got the window open and despite a few strange glances, it still didn't seem like anyone could be bothered to report me. I loved New York.

Once inside, I was at least familiar with the safe house. I quickly rushed off to the basement and typed in the code to the safe. Thank God I'd paid attention to that. Grabbing the whole stack of manila envelopes within, I decided to risk a few minutes to find a convenience store bag from our last food run. I didn't feel like spilling everything and, knowing me, I certainly would.

After carefully placing the files in the plastic bag, I opted to leave out the front door and began walking back to Casey and April. Behind me, I could hear sirens growing louder and louder. Maybe someone had reported me after all. Hopefully we didn't leave anything incriminating there. I knew Kade's rifle was still on a rooftop somewhere. He'd probably be pissed about that when we fixed him.

I tried to be nonchalant, whatever that looked like, on my return trip in case police were looking for a person of my description. Fortunately, I made it back without incident.

Casey looked bored. "Took you long enough."

April looked edgy. "Did you get them?"

I guess waiting for forever in an alley was not as fun as it sounded. I held up the bag, grinning at my success. Casey just grabbed it from me, while April covered me up again. So much for the kudos for doing a great job. Oh well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

After another clumsy slog back to…wherever it was we were going, I walked into what felt like a turnstile. Although I was momentarily deaf, I was going to assume that someone apologized because that made me feel better about it.

Waiting for what was probably a minute or two, but seemed longer, I eventually decided that no one was going to help me and started to remove the head bag, nose plugs, ear plugs and eye coverings. While I was unwinding the cloth, wrapped around my head, to blind me, voices drift up to my newly freed ears. It sounds like Leo and Mikey.

"Aww come on! You always watch Space Heroes. You have every episode memorized. Let's watch some Crognard!"

Wow Space Heroes and Crognard the Barbarian? Really? I considered lowering my guess at their supposed ages. I especially didn't expect Leo to be a Space Heroes fan. On the other hand, I could totally see Mikey being a Crognard fan.

The wrap was off and I could see Mikey draped dramatically over the back of the couch next to Leo, who sat watching in an almost hypnotic state, quietly mouthing the lines to the show and studiously ignoring Mikey.

"Leo!"

"Go away Mikey. I can't hear."

"But Leo…"

"Besides, you've been banned from Crognard after showing up late to your first conditioning session."

"But if you choose to watch Crognard, that's not against the rules."

"Shouldn't you check on dinner?"

Mikey snapped upright with a gasp. "My pizza!"

He rushed off to the kitchen and I took a moment to really see the place for the first time. Up until now I'd been mostly distracted by the inhabitants.

It looked like an old, abandoned subway station (not the modern kind that was just a platform to stand on between some rails, but the kind where they actually thought people might want to sit down or go to the bathroom while they waited). Looking back, I saw the rails behind me, through the turnstiles that had attacked me.

The main area had the couch, which looked like it used to be a bench to wait on, with a large television in front of it. Beyond that there was the big metal door to Donnie's lab, some rooms with closed doors in an alcove and was that a tire swing? Huh?

Anyway, moving on, there was a raised enclosure with fancy green folding screens over all the openings and a kitchen to the side of that with a large metal table in the middle where Casey and April sat looking at the files they'd spread out while Mikey looked nervously into an oven. Everything was old, dinged up and completely mismatched, like they'd furnished the place by wandering garage sales or a maybe a flea market.

Mikey triumphantly withdrew a pizza and set it on the files much to April and Casey's dismay. The smell wafted over and my stomach growled. How long had it been since I'd eaten? Last night maybe?

Like a character in an old cartoon being pulled along by an trail of delicious smoke that manifested as a hand, I drifted over to the table, where Mikey had been forced to move the pizza to the counter as he pulled out another and another and another. How many had he made?

I stood drooling over the food as he eventually laid out five steaming pies. I didn't exactly recognize a lot of the ingredients, but right now, I was way too hungry to care.

"See, at least someone appreciates me." Mikey draped an arm over my shoulder and shook me until my teeth clacked.

My annoyance evaporated when he placed a plate with a slice of pizza on it into my waiting hands.

"Thanks." I was too eager to stuff my face to say more. It was hot enough to burn, but from what I could make out of the aftertaste after I'd inhaled the first slice made me feel better about the violent death of my taste buds.

Mikey was smiling at me expectantly, waiting for my reaction while he stuffed his own face with two slices simultaneously. Eyes watering, I nodded politely. He looked smugly over at Casey and April, who had now been joined by Leo. Space Heroes must have ended.

"See. I told you my peanut butter and asparagus pizza was awesome!"

Peanut butter and asparagus? They shared amused smirks, while I tried to keep my gorge down. As Mikey turned back towards me, I covered my heaving with a strained smile and a thumbs up, not sure I could keep it down if I opened my mouth to speak. To my relief, he finished that pizza all on his own.

After that I was careful to choose a slice from the pizza that April and Casey had gone for. Before eating it, I looked questioningly at Mikey.

"Jelly bean and sausage, always a classic."

Well at least it wasn't peanut butter and asparagus. Down the hatch.

Hmm. That one wasn't bad. An interesting combination of sweet and spicy.

"Hey Mikey. Pass me one a slice of apple and cashew." Mikey just glared at Leo, but quickly lost the staring contest and passed it over. He didn't really seem like he was made for a battle of wills with Leo.

Raph plodded into the kitchen. "Any pepperoni and dill pickle pizza?"

"Dude, who do you think I am?" Mikey brandished him a plate with four slices.

"Hey Mikey, can you put a few slices of the pineapple and orange on a plate for me? I want to take it to Donnie." April held out her hand expectantly while Mikey complied.

Mikey looked back to me and I tried not to show my trepidation. "You want some of the citrus pizza too? I can garnish it with cheesy puffs."

I really wanted to say no, but didn't wish to appear either rude or ungrateful. Plus I was still hungry. Oh well, it couldn't be worse than the peanut butter and asparagus.

"Uh, sure Mikey. Bring it on."

"Yeah, that's what I like to hear!" He piled three slices on a plate for me while I cursed my big mouth.

"Hey, think fast."

I turned towards Casey in time to see a can of soda pop come flying at my head. Holding the plate, all I could do was cringe and hope it didn't break my nose.

At the last second a green hand shot out, catching the can about an inch from my face. Leo then offered it to me graciously while I shuffled the plate into one hand to accept it. Wow. Fast reflexes.

Raph snickered and Casey gave me a gap toothed grin. "Sorry. Guess I'm used to the guys."

Great. Apparently I was the only one who would've been hit. I really wished my reflexes didn't suck sometimes. Well, all the time actually.

Leo finished his pizza and started gathering the files together. "I know which ones I think we should try, but I'm going to run it by Donnie first."

Raph grinned. "Better knock before you go in."

Casey glared at him, but Leo and Mikey chuckled. Looked like Casey was the only one who didn't find Donnie's crush amusing. Did everyone know but her? No. There was no way she didn't know. That must be awkward.

I couldn't wait until they decided which location to hit first. It was time for me to start helping Kade.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9:**

An hour and a half later, I sat with Splinter, Casey and April drinking green tea and playing Chute & Parcheesi Land, the rules of which I still didn't fully understand. It appeared to be cobbled together from several incomplete board games. So much for going to save Kade.

When I'd assumed I was going with them, there was that awkward, pitying silence before Raph bluntly informed me that I would be in the way. At least my game piece was about to slide down to the Lollipop Woods. I think that was a good thing. Once again, still not clear on the rules.

A clang at the back of the room drew everyone's attention. One of the sides of the cage was down and Kade hopped about daintily, free of his cage. Uh oh.

I just sat there at the table as the other three leapt into action. April whipped out a metal fan and I couldn't help but wonder where she'd been keeping it. Casey grabbed a hockey stick and some pucks from a bag, leaning against the couch. Splinter's cane suddenly became a weapon.

April flung her fan like a boomerang hitting Kade in the head at the same time that Casey clocked him with a hockey puck on the other side while Splinter charged up the middle. Kade squawked angrily and opened his beak, spewing out a wide spray of black liquid. Splinter gracefully and rapidly flipped out of the way of it, but Casey and April were caught, dropping like rocks and left twitching on the floor.

I could hear Splinter call out their names and found myself staggering towards the fight. Well, there was one thing I could do.

Grabbing a bat from Casey's bag, I screamed and charged in, getting splattered with another gush of black liquid. Man it smelled awful, like rancid bacon grease mixed with motor oil. But it didn't faze me.

I just kept running and swung the bat at Kade's head as hard as I could, connecting with a sickening crack. Kade did not drop as expected. Instead, he slowly turned to glare at me and I knew that this was gonna hurt. A lot.

Suddenly Splinter was there behind him, using the distraction that I'd created and cracked the back of Kade's neck with the blade of his hand. Now Kade collapsed to the ground unconscious.

Splinter was moving check on Casey and April, when I called out, struck by a rare moment of realization. "Wait! Don't touch them! They're covered in that stuff."

He hesitated only for a moment, before yanking off his robe, wrapping it around April and lifting her up, leaving me gawking at a giant rat in a loincloth.

"There is an emergency shower in Donatello's lab for chemical accidents. Bring Casey. Quickly."

Oh. So that's what I was dumped in earlier.

He was already off while I struggled to pick up Casey in a fireman's carry, staggering towards the lab. Why didn't I get to carry the pretty girl? Casey was clammy, where he wasn't slimed, and his pulse felt really slow.

Inside the lab, April, in Splinter's robe, had already been placed on the shower floor grate and Splinter was pulling on a chain that started the water. I lugged Casey over and dumped us both in, actively scrubbing the sludge off all three of us and Splinter's robe. When the water timed out, we were frigid and soaked but clean.

They were unconscious. Their breathing was rapid, shallow and worsening fast.

Clearly worried, Splinter knelt next to them. "It's poisoning them too quickly. I don't know if I can stop it in time."

How could he possibly stop poison? He started a series of hand gestures while chanting, like that was gonna do anything. The look on his face told me he knew what he was doing wasn't going to work. They were just fading so fast.

At that moment, a memory hit me like a physical blow. Earlier, when I still thought I was going to help save Kade, I joined the turtles in Donnie's lab to see where they'd decided to go.

 _They were all poring over the files on Donnie's desk and I didn't want to interrupt, so I just began wandering around and found myself at some cages with pigeons in them, labeled subject A through D._

 _Next to the cages was a rack of sealed test tubes, labeled 'Distilled Eli' in messy scrawl with three syringes full of the same substance and a fourth waiting to be filled._

 _Suddenly Donnie was standing next to me. "I haven't figured out exactly how you work." His tone indicated that it was just a matter of time. "But something about your cellular fluid completely neutralizes all other chemicals on contact. I managed to extract a good amount of the fluid from the samples you gave me, though I'd like more."_

 _Yup. Knew that was coming._

 _"_ _It even disperses throughout other organisms when injected." Oh, the pigeons. "It's completely sterilized every substance that I've tried on the test subjects, although there are still a few more that I want to test out."_

 _"_ _Donnie! Enough science! It's mission time."_ Raph's voice had interrupted both the conversation and my memory which had probably passed through my head in milliseconds.

The syringes! Running to the table, I grabbed them up and hurried back to Casey and April. I really hoped this worked.

Two fisting the syringes, I simultaneously jammed them into Casey and April's upper arms and depressed the plungers, forcing the stuff that I refused to refer to as 'Distilled Eli' into them.

I waited anxiously for a few minutes while Splinter kept chanting. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it, but it kind of looked like he was glowing. April and Casey's stiff forms relaxed and their pallor improved. I let out a relieved breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

Splinter sighed. "They will be fine with some rest." He looked at me curiously. "Whatever you gave them stopped the poison and gave me time to heal the damage."

He'd healed them. With chanting and hand gestures? No way.

"It was just some stuff Donnie made with my blood."

He stroked his long beard. "Interesting."

All of a sudden I was aware that he wasn't wearing anything but a loin cloth. Feeling acutely uncomfortable, I handed him his sopping robe. He seemed to find my discomfort amusing. Wringing it out and hanging it on one of the hooks for Donnie's aprons, some of which were the plastic kind I'd seen earlier while others looked like protection for welding.

"Bring Casey and April to the dojo and lay them under the tree where they can rest."

Dojo? Tree? In a subway station? He left before I could ask. How hard could a dojo with a tree in a subway station be to find? At least I finally got to carry April. Compared to Casey she was light and soft and smelled nice.

I brought her out of the lab and found that Splinter had hauled Kade back to his cage and was currently putting the door back on. Seeing that I appeared lost, he pointed towards some stairs up to an area with arches covered by homemade dividers, which I assumed was the dojo. I eventually managed to slide the divider open while balancing April and my jaw fell open.

It really was a dojo, with weapon lined walls and old rugs for mats. And yes there really was a large tree in the middle with light streaming down on it from a grate in the ceiling. Wow. I had just gently set April down at the base of the tree when Splinter appeared behind me causing me to jump.

"Bring Casey and I will see that they are comfortable."

It took longer to drag Casey over. By the time I got back, Splinter had put on a dry robe, much to my relief, placed April on a long cushion with a pillow and had wrapped her in a blanket. There was another set, ready and waiting for Casey. Splinter tucked him in after I set him down.

"I will watch over them."

"What should I do?" I was feeling pretty confident after saving the day.

"Given your unique abilities…" Yes! I was finally going to get some recognition. "…you should probably be the one to clean up the toxin your friend left on the floor out there."

He gestured to a mop and bucket in the corner as he spoke. Oh well.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10:**

All things considered, it had been a good week. Except for when Splinter asked me to grab him a cheesicle and I discovered what Mikey meant when he referred to Ice Cream Kitty. My shrieks caused everyone to run to my rescue and then laugh at me when they saw me and the frozen cat screaming at each other.

Otherwise, I'd been kicking back and relaxing, almost like a normal kid. I wasn't going to think too much about the life I led which caused me to consider this normal. I probably would have been playing video games with Mikey if he hadn't been grounded all week.

As it was, I had discovered a complete collection of Super Mecha Robo Force Five tapes. It was the worst, most badly-dubbed anime ever and I couldn't get enough of it, binge watching it in marathon runs.

The only thing more fascinating to watch was the turtles' training sessions. Everyone seemed a little annoyed the first time Mikey invited me to come observe, but my sheer, undisguised awe at seeing a bunch of humanoid turtles fighting like they were freaking Jet Li eventually won them over. I was even acquiring a taste for Mikey's cooking. Well some of it anyway.

Aside from the daily samples I provided Donnie to work on concurrently with the retro-mutagen, I really was enjoying myself. I was kind of disappointed when Donnie declared the retro-mutagen ready.

Now I was standing here outside of the splash guard Donnie put up after reinforcing Kade's cage with a tranquilizer jab stick full of retro-mutagen. Although reluctant to stab Kade, I really was the only one who can safely do it in case he spewed again.

I stuck him with the needle end and was flung back by his violent thrashing. For a moment it felt like I was flying before I collided with the brick wall behind me, causing star bursts of light in front of my eyes and shooting pain from the back of my skull down my spine.

"Oww."

My vision cleared in time to see a screaming Kade-bird contort and twist back into a human form. Well, I couldn't unsee that. Why couldn't I have just been knocked out for a few minutes? He groaned on the floor and I staggered over to him, head pounding.

"Ugh." I couldn't unsee that either.

"Dude, why isn't he wearing any clothes?"

Donnie sighed. "Mikey, they were probably destroyed in his first transformation."

"Oh."

"Maybe you should get him a towel or something."

"On it."

Kade looked up at me blearily. "Eli?"

"Welcome back."

* * *

I was lounging in the passenger seat, while Kade drove us back to headquarters, thinking about my goodbyes with the turtles. I was really going to miss them. Well, maybe not as much as Mikey would miss me. I was pretty bruised up from his goodbye hug.

They might not believe me, but this is not the weirdest thing that had ever happened to me. The least forgettable maybe, but not the weirdest. I hoped I'd see them again someday.

I glanced over at Kade and sensing my eyes on him, he glared back at me. "Just remember. We didn't find the chemical and we will never speak of this again. Ever!"

I just smiled. "Whatever you say boss."

 **Note: In case anyone is interested. The name of the para-intelligence organization that Eli and Kade work for, ORION (OmniResource Intelligence Operations and Networking) is an homage to the Archer animated series, where similar organizations are named ISIS (International Secret Intelligence Service) and ODIN (Organization of Democratic Intelligence Networks). When the opportunity arose, I couldn't help myself.**


End file.
